I’ve Never Heard of an Excess

So here I am in beautiful Key Largo.  My family and I are staying in a wonderful beach house where the view out the front door looks out across Buttonwood Sound in the Florida Bay.  Truly picturesque.

But I found something puzzling above the commode on the second floor bathroom: a printed page inside of a three-hold sheet protector, the kind I used to keep my junior college syllabus safe from the elements, and pinned to the wall, as seen below.


The second sentence makes perfect sense, but I just don’t get the first sentence.

What the hell is “excess toilet paper?”  I’ve been on this planet for nearly forty years, which adds up to thousands of bowel evacuations, and never once have I used some toilet paper, surveyed my wipeage, and determined some sheets are excess.

When I roll a ball of TP for brown-eye cleaning, be it a single sheet or half a roll, I intend to make use of every single fiber.  And once I’ve made a couple of passes, the whole package is an instantaneous deposit in the sewage system.  I have no intention of checking out my work to see if any of the now waste-coated mass was unused excess.

Maybe I’m just an insensitive jerk with no love for the delicate Florida Keys ecosystem, but I’m afraid I will be depositing all used toilet paper, excess or otherwise, directly into the fragile system.

I certainly hope I don’t screw it up for everyone.

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